Day 3

So, far this has been a wonderful experience in so many levels. I have learned so much about myself and it seems the learning never stops. The ego is a powerful instrument for a unhappy life I wish I could just click it off like my laptop. Anyone who thinks it's so easy to separate your thoughts, emotions from the Source, Being, The I Am, has not really tried. It is work but with work instead of being paid weekly, you get paid every day.

Page 54
"What you may be aware of as a voice in your head that never stops speaking is the stream of incessant and compulsive thinking. When every thought absorbs your attention completely, when you are identified with the voice in your head and the emotions that accompany it that you lose yourself in every thought and every emotion, then you are totally identified with form and therefore in the grip of ego..............this is the forgetfulness of Being, the primary error, the illusion of absolute separateness that turn reality into a nightmare".

Page57
"Whenever tragic loss occurs, you either resist or you yield. Some people become bitter or deeply resentful; others become compassionate, wise, and loving. Yeilding means inner acceptance of what is. You are open to life".

Page 59
"Most people are so completely identified with the voice in your head-the incessant stream of involuntary and compulsive thinking and the emotions that accompany it-that we may desribe them as being possessed by their mind. As long as you completely unaware of this, you take the thinker to be who you are. This is the egoic mind".

Page 60
"The content of ego varies from person to person but in every ego the same structure operates. In other words: Egos only differ on the surface. Deep down they are all the same......The live on identification and separation. When you live through the mind made self comprised of thought and emotion that is the ego, the basis for your identity is precarious because thought and emotion are by their very nature ephemeral, fleeting. So every ego is continuously struggling for survival, trying to protect and enlarge itself".

When I first read those words a deep sense of dread came upon me as if to say I am screwed. I am too messed up to get better. My world is over but in a sense it was. I feel that it I, The Being, saw the separation and I noticed that their was in essence two of me, one that is dysfunctional and insane and one that has a hope for joy. I choose the joy and became aware of the other me, the f--ked up me that was willing and yearning for change. This morning I rode my bike to Squam Farm again because it was such a beautiful day and I really didn't want to hang around Siasconscet for the day. I went my meadow and just watched nature as still as it could be. The rabbits were out and about foraging for food, the willows swaying from the breeze and the tree's still as can be rooted into life itself. I imagined that I was a tree inhaling in the sunshine and exhaling oxygen for survival, feeling the depth of my roots underneath then I closed my eyes and a loud noise of tourists came upon me. I heard some women ask me if I was being disturbed. I opened my eyes and the vividness, the colors, the clarity were so bright and I thought is this how the Earth really looks like and what inside me made it look so ordinary......then snap back to the lady "of course your not disturbing me this parcel is for everyone to enjoy". What I really wanted to say probably would have had them hauling ass to the park rangers residence as I have said "I am a work in progress" I could have stayed a tree for a while longer but their is tomorrow.

Have a great day,

Jeremy